january journal
week 1 - 1/9/22
“see in a new light” an idiom that embodied my state of being throughout this first week. in thinking about what I was going to do each day to tangibly create, I found that I had more inspiration when I allowed myself flexibility to adapt to my emotions in that moment. nothing feels better than authentic work that allows your internal state the opportunity to show skin to the world. for example, I could not have anticipated my dog of 15 years to pass and had I prescheduled a forced creative exercise, I would have been belittling my emotions by stripping them of their platform to release. my childhood has given me a harder external shell and made it challenging to speak about uncomfortable feelings, so it was a breath of fresh air to provide psychological safety for myself to express the good, bad, and the ugly.
i’ve learned that when trying to build a new habit, the best way to do so is by making the desired behavior as frictionless as possible. so releasing oneself of harsh expectations is one way to make something frictionless, as you avoid self-punishment. don’t get me wrong, expectations can be beneficial when done with positive intent. they hold us accountable for the greatness we know we are beyond capable of. but I urge you to pause from time to time to question what in your life does and does not require this pressure. as humans we have grown addicted to intensity, “i need to buy the biggest house, make the most money, be the fittest person, run the fastest race, have the best post” the list goes on and on. but perhaps creativity can be the outlet that doesn’t require this harshness.
to see in a new light, means to perceive or understand something in a new and positive way. a week ago, I can assure you that I did not look at coasters and see a house for santa, or envision magnets as a skater boy, or a plant holder as a photo collage backboard. but what changed? I am still in the same body I was a week ago and living, for the most part, the same life I have been… why all of the sudden do ordinary things have multiple profiles? it comes down to choice. when you choose to “change the way you look at things, the things you look at change”- dr wayne dyer. I needed to make the choice to actively participate in the relationship with my creative side. if only one person in a relationship decides to show up, you simply can’t expect love to flourish. the same goes with the various relationships you have with yourself. if you passively wait for life to come to you, you’ll always be disappointed with results as you cannot expect the world to read your mind. by actively participating in the parts of life that matter most to you, you’ll notice their stories begin to evolve.
week 2 - 1/17
when you fully surrender to an experience and release the need to control all outcomes, you will find yourself in a resistance less experience with the present moment. I often am so hyper-focused on the future, overly obsessed with opportunities that lie ahead, that I deprive myself of richer experiences and deeper learning lessons. when we become fixated on expectations and the “shoulds”, we begin to show up in our own lives in biased ways that lead us to see a photoshopped version of the world. instead, could you imagine the weight that would be lifted from our shoulders if we surrendered to our raw experiences, rather than battling with notional ideas of what “should” come next. this weightless experience is what I have had the pleasure of flirting with this past week.
when I started confidently creative, it was just an idea that popped to mind while I was on the treadmill. nothing more or less than a thought that came and went. until it didn’t leave and everything in my body was pushing me towards this source of energy that was waiting to be harnessed. when I tried to talk to others to explain this fantasy journey that I was conjuring up in my head and journal, I felt insane. when I reflect on this moment, I now realize that it was because the words I was sharing aloud did not match my internal truth and I was trying to convey what it “should” be.
why do we try so damn hard to appear flawless to others and sway them to our way of thinking by not by telling them our truth and regurgitating what we believe they want to hear? it’s because we crave acceptance and to achieve so, we pre-set expectations for our experiences so that we can control outcomes in our favor. but the sooner we can acknowledge that our stories are not meant to be bent and instead experienced, the more the present moment becomes a safer place to play.
this past week I have been living into my truth and this journey… and friends let me tell you… it is liberating. by releasing my desire for control and creating space for my experiences to create their own tales, I find that I am able to learn more about myself, relationships, and relationships with the world (not the lessons I thought I was supposed to be searching for). above all else, I have been finding organic joy and laughter by living into my own and showing up as my most authentic self, because I am intentionally choosing to not let my shadows outshine me. next time you find yourself in an emotionally uncomfortable experience, pause for a moment to question if your expectations of outcomes and desire for control are overpowering your story. and if they are, remind yourself that we are no fortune tellers and you are the only one that gave your subconscious more power than you.